What if you knew what the solution was? You have this thing you want to change, an area you want to grow or something you want to accomplish. And you finally figured out the solution. You aren’t 100% sure, because we never are. But you feel rather confident this solution will be very helpful in your success.
That’s step one of creating change: figuring out the solution.
Some people will think, “Perfect, now I’m good to go.”
But step 2 is much trickier. Step 2 is permission. Permission to use the solution.
What does this look like?
- You know a personal trainer would help you be more consistent in your workouts.
- Getting outside and going for a walk would help you manage stress.
- Talking to a friend about a challenge at work would give you more clarity.
- Taking a month off of work would help you recover from burnout.
- Setting boundaries and delegating more responsibility at work would allow better work-life balance.
- Hiring an assistant in your business would free up time for new profitable projects.
One of the most interesting parts of coaching these last 8 years is getting to hear the internal objections people create to solutions.
Most objections are some form of these two ideas. (These tend to fall along gender lines. I’ll let you guess who says what.)
- I shouldn’t need help.
- I don’t deserve help.
The first one revolves around the idea that they should be able to do it themselves. Other people don’t need this solution, so they should be able to do without. Other people can survive or conform to the norms or aren’t bothered by the problem. They believe the solution will help resolve the challenge. But can’t they just suffer instead; deal with it. Maybe the challenge isn’t that bad anyway.
Or they aren’t worthy of help. They believe the solution would help. But do they deserve help? Do they deserve for the problem to be easier? Especially if that solution incurs any amount of cost for someone else. Time spent going for a walk isn’t time helping someone else. Taking a month off will inconvenience your coworkers. Money spent on a personal trainer could be going to other goals. Time spent talking to a friend uses up the time they might need for their own things.
Maybe your internal narrative combines both of them. Twice the fun. Other people don’t need this help, so why do you? And you don’t deserve the help if it will cost anyone anything.
Despite working with this idea for years, it’s easy for me to still struggle with permission. I frequently have to push back again, “I shouldn’t need this help.” AND “I don’t deserve this help.” Especially when the “help” feels like a big accommodation. For example, with my seasonal depression, I have a solution: spend more time in warm and sunny places in the winter. But the solution is costly. Not just financially, but it takes time, disrupts our family life, and’s inconvenient for work and a dozen other things.
So my brain goes round with it. “I shouldn’t need sunshine. Other people survive the winter just fine. Other people aren’t bogged down by depression. Others can be happy and productive living in a dark cave half the year. So I should be able to as well.” Then when I finally acknowledge for the 1000th time that I do, in fact, need sunshine, I move on to why I don’t deserve it. “Think about how inconvenient it is for others. Think about how you should be home working instead. What about the cost? That money could be used for other things.”
What those hypothetical “other things” I could be spending this money on is never nailed down. It’s a strawman about how “something” could be more important than my mental health. I resist committing the money to an actual item, or I could honestly compare if that thing is actually more important than my mental health. If I had the guts to pin it down and say, “A new van is a better use of money.” My brain would see the error. Keeping it vague allows me to stay stuck in the “I don’t deserve it.” mindset, unchallenged.
As a coach, I’m a master at helping people find solutions. But honestly, solutions are the easy step. Deep down you might have a hunch what solution you need. Permission is tricky.
I’ve been thinking about this podcast episode since I recorded it. It was an incredible example of someone knowing what might be helpful (therapy) and then giving himself radical permission to pursue it. And his life massively changed and improved because of it. Give it a listen if you haven’t already! https://retireoften.com/2025/01/29/how-to-decouple-identity-from-career-for-a-mini-retirement/